Life hit hard and the shit hit the fan. I survived the storm and now the sun is out. The aftermath will still be there tomorrow, but I'm making the most of it.
I'm a person of habit. It took a recent experience to get me to realize what I am.
I am a chameleon. I shape myself to be what other people want, and I've accepted it for so long that I can't even see the real me anymore. I am a different person to everyone around me. The son that keeps to himself and doesn't get in the way. The babysitter that cares deeply for your children and wants nothing more than to help you out. The friend that always wants to HELP you with your problems when he can't even solve his own. I don't feel like myself lately. I think I see what other people need and I act on it, and I'm not always right.
I'm craving attention I never sought out before. My life is SUPPOSED TO BE SIMPLE. Go to school. Get a job. I am going to school, but I don't have time because I'm trying to help these kids out because their father selfishly left them and I feel like it's falling on me to be there. Which means I can't get a job, because these kids SHOULD come first. I SHOULD come first. What about me? My life isn't my own. I live for other people and never for myself these days. It's ruining me. I don't know where I'm going with this. It's four in the morning and I'm rambling. Here's what I DO know.
A friend asked me what I wanted the other day. And at first, I didn't want to admit it, but I want to move out and have a fresh start. I wish I could cut all ties to the past and begin again. New. Living for MYSELF, but also for OTHERS at the same time.
Help.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Help.
Posted by AJK at 3:47 AM
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2 comments:
Can't win them all. It's not going to be easy and you have to look for the best in people if you want survive anything in this world. Hopefully you can find yourself before what was there is gone.
"The son that keeps to himself and doesn't get in the way."
Been there. Why do you feel you're "in the way"? Details are a bitch but they may help shed light on the situation. 18 can suck. No doubt about it. Its the time when you're building yourself. My past 3 years have been a roller-coaster for sure. It all started with that long drop from the top of the big hill. The bad part is, you don't know what's waiting at the bottom til its too late. I can say from my experience that cutting all ties can be a mistake thats hella hard to undo. It took me less than a week to cut ties to the people I finaly understood were my biggest supporters. I'm still trying to rebuild the most important ones. Idk if I ever will. I feel for you. If only foresight was as vivid as hindsight. Reply if you ever want to vent.
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