Help.

Life hit hard and the shit hit the fan. I survived the storm and now the sun is out. The aftermath will still be there tomorrow, but I'm making the most of it.

I'm a person of habit. It took a recent experience to get me to realize what I am.

I am a chameleon. I shape myself to be what other people want, and I've accepted it for so long that I can't even see the real me anymore. I am a different person to everyone around me. The son that keeps to himself and doesn't get in the way. The babysitter that cares deeply for your children and wants nothing more than to help you out. The friend that always wants to HELP you with your problems when he can't even solve his own. I don't feel like myself lately. I think I see what other people need and I act on it, and I'm not always right.

I'm craving attention I never sought out before. My life is SUPPOSED TO BE SIMPLE. Go to school. Get a job. I am going to school, but I don't have time because I'm trying to help these kids out because their father selfishly left them and I feel like it's falling on me to be there. Which means I can't get a job, because these kids SHOULD come first. I SHOULD come first. What about me? My life isn't my own. I live for other people and never for myself these days. It's ruining me. I don't know where I'm going with this. It's four in the morning and I'm rambling. Here's what I DO know.

A friend asked me what I wanted the other day. And at first, I didn't want to admit it, but I want to move out and have a fresh start. I wish I could cut all ties to the past and begin again. New. Living for MYSELF, but also for OTHERS at the same time.

Help.

Riding out the storm.

Life is moving forward and I'm not ready to go there yet, nor do I want to. I like the carefree life I used to have. I'm stressing over money. Since when did that happen? I used to throw it around like it was nothing. Now I'm checking my bank account every day to be sure that I have something. Things are changing, and not just financially.

My friends are changing. Those friends are hanging out with new people, as am I. We're drifting apart and I'm not doing anything to stop it. These things happen after high school, but nobody wants to admit it. You can try and keep in touch, but the reality of it is, the people you thought you knew way back when won't be the same people five years from now. I can't wait for my high school reunion, even if I did just graduate this past year. I want to see the change; to see what people have become.

I'm ranting and trying to think of something to say, but I can't put my thoughts to words right now. I wish I could restart knowing everything I knew now. I would know what was a waste of time and I could right my wrongs and I could change EVERYTHING. Even now, I'm wishing things could change in the present, but I don't know how.

Life is a storm.

I'll ride it out and see what happens.

Why can't life be like Netflix...?

I honestly don't know what to write about today. I think I want to spill about my life right now, and hopefully, down the line, I'll find something to branch out on. That's how this normally works anyway, right? Let's see... Where to start today...

I'm not babysitting for the next month. That means no money for me. That means I'm open to anything for money right now. (No. Not that. Get your mind straight...) I want to move out sometime around the start of the new year, but that can't happen if I don't have money to save up for rent. If you know me personally, and you know of a job opening somewhere, please, contact me.

The horoscopes are still haunting me. I'm posting them on my Facebook occasionally, but only if they make sense. I think horoscopes are a hoax, but I'm falling for them. They keep mentioning something I want, and how "now is the time to act." There's always going to be something someone wants, so of course this is going to seem like it's meant for me when, obviously, it isn't. It's a psychological thing...

I'm starting to think that what I want isn't important anymore. I'd rather keep what I have, than sacrifice it for something else. I shouldn't be greedy, right? Those that know, know. And those that don't may ask, but will be denied, because I have told all that can handle it.

Man, I'm all over the place today. Can I just say, Netflix is amazing. You can get what you want instantly, for a price. I wish my life was like that right now... I want so much, but I'm too lazy to go out and get it. Why can't it come to me?

Why can't life be like Netflix...?

Fate is a Fickle Thing

I've been looking into horoscopes lately and I'm finding that, at least for the past week, every horoscope I've received has been completely relevant to my life right now. I'm trying to keep them from controlling my life, but seeing as I'm purposely staying up until midnight just to see my horoscope updated on an application on my Droid Eris, I don't think I'm doing a very good job of that. Today, about to be yesterday seeing as midnight is simply a minute away, my horoscope mentioned a problem that I seem to be facing with someone right now and how I should keep my temper down and face the situation with a calm approach. I am butting heads with someone off and on at the moment, so I took it's advice.

Midnight.

I'm not going to say what this one said, mostly because it's true and more of a personal matter. But it's weirding me out. Is it simply a paragraph that my mind is trying to morph into something relevant to my own life, or is there something behind it? Surely not everybody born between July 23rd and August 22 are going through these same exact problems that I am...

Some people believe that our lives are out of our control, that everything is planned out, I refuse to believe that. I believe that we can mold our lives into anything we want them to be. However, we need to be willing to take the necessary risks to get to where we want to go.

Word of Advice
Don't be afraid to take risks, but think it through before you do.

I want to know what the readers think. If you've been brought to this page by my Facebook, or maybe even Twitter, please post a comment or reply there telling me your opinion on horoscopes, or maybe just fate in general.